My Apology/Sorrow

It seems growing up as a kid I was taught to respect woman but it seems that everything I learned I never applied it to the way I treated woman. It seems that a woman deserve more then what they receive and Im truely sorry to the females I disrespected because I know I was raised better then that. I know an apology isnt quite the words that I can express to those I have disrespected. I believe that everyone makes mistakes some bigger then others and as I grow slowly I tend to regret everything Ive done and there are no words to express the things I have done and it seems the tears that I cry are just the sorrow that I have yet to endure. Im enduring so much pain and it seems that I can no longer hide in fear of the things I have done nor can I no longer treat people as if there doormats. It seems that at stand point in life we all began to lose control and then were standing alone in the end and I cant seem to express how sorry I am because I cant control my actions because if I did then I wouldnt lash out on people. Im sorry I make people feel as if they cant have a conversation with me for the fear of me blowing up and Im sorry that I cant seem to be trusted but it seems that in my brain its like a bug is planted inside slowly eating away at my brain. Everything that I know seems to be slowly fading away and I cant express my actions and maybe I truely dont know myself and perhaps that Im just lost in someway trying to find my way home. Im sorry that Im not perfect Im sorry people look up to me as If Im suppose to act a certain way but I cant change who I am because if I did I would. Im sorry I make people feel like dirt and Im sorry that I just cant be the friend that some people want but in the end it seems things are eating away at me. People dont understand that I dont have everything in life and that Im fighting ongoing battles just like everyone else. Im hiding behind a shadow because I dont want people to see the true side of me. I dont think I would ever want people to see the true side of me perhaps the darkside of me. My life seems to be in this shadow that I can no longer changed and without the help the support I just only see me falling. Im apologizing to those who I have offended the most I have said so many things that I shouldnt have said and Im so sorry if I ever made you feel a certain way. My life is out of control that I do know and Im trying to better find selfcontrol because in the end Im just looking back on memories and it seems that as I slowly look back things are no longer the same. Im no longer in control and it seems Im hurting more then you know. I take full responsiblity for my actions and I just want people to understand me and I guess Im just trying to find myself and it seems that the man Ive become is simply someone I no longer recognize because in the end Im no longer the man smiling but the man looking down.